In the world of strategy and conflict management, the concept of “Rules of Engagement” (ROE) is critical. These guidelines are established to ensure order and discipline, providing a framework for decision-making and action. However, the wisdom of these rules extends beyond the battlefield. They can be applied to our marriage. The adage “If you make rules in times of peace, they will be easier to follow in times of struggle” highlights the importance of preparation and foresight.

The Essence of Rules of Engagement

Rules of Engagement are predefined directives that dictate how individuals should behave in specific situations. They are designed to maintain structure, prevent chaos, and guide actions ethically and effectively. In a broader context, these rules can help us navigate conflicts, manage crises, and uphold values during turbulent times.

Why Establish Rules in Times of Peace?

1. Clarity and Consistency: Establishing rules during peaceful times ensures that everyone involved understands expectations clearly. This consistency helps prevent misunderstandings and ensures that actions are predictable and aligned with shared goals.
2. Preparation and Readiness: When rules are set during calm periods, they become ingrained in the routine. This preparedness means that when a crisis hits, the response is almost automatic, reducing panic and confusion.
3. Moral and Ethical Compass: Rules established in peace are often more balanced and fair, as they are created without the pressure and urgency of a crisis. These rules serve as a moral and ethical compass, guiding actions that align with core values and principles.
4. Conflict Mitigation: Clear rules help to mitigate conflicts by providing a reference point for resolving disputes. They reduce the likelihood of escalation by offering pre-agreed solutions and actions.

Practical Applications

Establishing clear and compassionate “rules of engagement” can fortify a marriage, making it resilient against the inevitable storms. Here’s how couples can prepare in peace for times of struggle with intentional actions to create rules and boundaries, illustrated with examples from other couples and a set of rules of engagement.

Schedule Regular Check-Ins

Example: Sarah and John have a weekly “Coffee Chat” every Sunday morning. During this time, they discuss their feelings, concerns, and experiences from the past week. This practice helps them maintain an open line of communication and address small issues before they escalate.

Create a Conflict Resolution Plan

Example: Emily and David developed a “Time-Out” rule for conflicts. They agreed that if a disagreement starts to get heated, either person can call for a 20-minute break to cool down. After the break, they resume the discussion using “I” statements to express their feelings without blaming each other. This strategy helps them manage conflicts more effectively.

Define Personal and Shared Boundaries

Example: Lisa and Mark have established clear boundaries about personal space and social interactions. Lisa enjoys alone time for her yoga practice, and Mark has his weekly basketball game with friends. They also agreed that major financial decisions, like purchasing a new appliance, require mutual consent. These boundaries help them respect each other’s needs and maintain harmony.

Practice Active Listening Exercises

Example: Rachel and Tom regularly engage in active listening exercises. They set aside time once a week to share their thoughts and feelings, taking turns to speak while the other listens without interrupting. Tom reflects back what he heard to ensure understanding, which enhances their empathy and communication.

Plan Regular Quality Time

Example: Megan and Chris prioritize regular date nights. Once a month, they plan a special evening together, whether it’s dining out at a new restaurant or enjoying a movie at home. These planned activities help them nurture their connection and build a reservoir of goodwill and affection.

Encourage Individual Growth

Example: Jessica and Brian support each other’s personal growth and independence. Jessica recently took up painting, and Brian started learning guitar. They encourage each other to pursue these hobbies and share their progress. This independence enriches their individual lives and brings new energy into their marriage.

Set Long-Term Goals Together

Example: Amanda and James regularly review and set long-term goals together. They have a yearly “Goal Setting Retreat” where they discuss their financial plans, career aspirations, and family planning. Having shared objectives gives them both a sense of purpose and unity, and they adjust their goals as needed to remain aligned.

Agree on When to Seek Help

Example: Nicole and Eric agreed that if they encounter an issue they can’t resolve after three serious attempts, they will seek professional help from a marriage counselor. This agreement normalizes the idea of seeking external support and makes it easier to take that step if needed.

Establish Gratitude Rituals

Example: Kate and Paul have a nightly gratitude ritual. Before bed, they each share one thing they appreciated about the other that day. This practice fosters a positive and loving environment and reinforces their emotional bond.

Develop Patience and Understanding Practices

Example: Laura and Mike practice patience and understanding by intentionally reflecting on each other’s positive qualities. If Mike feels frustrated, he takes a moment to think about Laura’s strengths and contributions. Laura does the same, which helps them approach each other with kindness and forgiveness, especially during challenging times.

Example Rules of Engagement for Times of Conflict

1. Ask for Breaks When Needed

• Example: Emily and David use a “Time-Out” rule. If a disagreement gets heated, either can call
  for a 20-minute break to cool down, then they check back in.

2. Increase Affection During Conflict

• Example: Sarah and John make a point to hold hands or hug during difficult conversations to
  maintain a physical connection and remind each other of their love.

3. Avoid Dog Piling

• Example: Megan and Chris focus on tackling one problem at a time, ensuring that they address issues individually rather than piling on multiple grievances.

4. Assume the Best Intention

• Example: Lisa and Mark practice assuming that their partner’s actions come from a place of good intent, which helps to reduce defensiveness and foster understanding.

5. Take Turns Speaking

• Example: Rachel and Tom take turns speaking during conflicts, ensuring that neither interrupts the other. They reward effective communication with words of affirmation and praise.

6. If You Can’t Be Kind, Be Quiet

• Example: Jessica and Brian follow a rule that if they can’t speak kindly, they take a moment of silence to cool down before continuing the conversation.

7. Use a Code Word

• Example: Amanda and James have a code word, “pause,” which they use during heated moments. Saying “pause” indicates they need a break and serves as a signal to step back and regroup.

8. Establish Boundaries

• Example: Cloyce and Shelia have agreed never to use the word “divorce”. Mentioning divorce can escalate the situation, making the conflict more intense creating fear and anxiety. The “D” word undermines the trust and security within your marriage, as it suggests a lack of commitment to working through issues together.

Preparing in peace for times of struggle involves a combination of proactive communication, mutual respect, and continuous effort to nurture the relationship. By intentionally creating rules and boundaries during calm periods, couples can build a strong foundation that will support them through the inevitable ups and downs of marriage. Remember, a resilient marriage is not one without conflicts, but one where partners are committed to working through them together. The examples from other couples and the rules of engagement highlight that with intentional actions, a marriage can be prepared to face any challenge that comes its way.